txbelle30

Although a weight-loss challenge at work has spurned me into action, my weight and health is a long-suffering subject for me. I’ve started and then abandoned this journey so many times that I’m scared I don’t have what it takes to succeed. There. I said it.

 My hope is that these tools (the food journal, exercise tracker, blog) allow me to chronicle my struggles and bring them into the light. Notice I didn’t have the guts to do this on one of the more public forums I have access to- I think I need the semi-anonymity of a site such as this to be as brutally honest as I need to be. I’m also embarrassed to be inviting people into this EXTREMELY private issue.

Five years ago, I lost 50 pounds and my life changed dramatically. I got a master’s degree, moved to another state, met and then left a bad man- basically lived a much fuller life without the stone collar of Weight around my neck. My secret, however, was that I felt like a fraud. I thought about food all the time. What I shouldn’t eat. How much I wasn’t exercising. How I spouted off about a lifestyle change, when really, I felt like I’d finally reached a place where basic science would no longer apply and I could eat as much shit as I wanted and workout once-to-no times a week and still be a skinny size-12. Ah, size 12…

 So now, I’m only 6 pounds away from where I was five years ago. SIX POUNDS!!! I remember gaining five and, quite literally, having an anxiety attack. I see now that back then I knew I hadn’t committed fully and it was only a matter of time.

So here we go again. I’m trying South Beach because of its promise to control sugar cravings. Seriously, it’s bad- Cokes and Snickers and Heath bars- oh my! I hope to meet others who understand what this is and we can vent/support each other. Even if I’m talking to no one, it’s already been pretty damn cathartic to put this all in print.

 j