txbelle30

Good news: recognized one of my triggers today

Bad news: it happened because of a glimpse of myself at our last pep rally. That picture is SO not going into the yearbook, let me tell you!

I immediately began craving the peanut M&Ms in my desk drawer that are reserved for my secret pal. Then I thought, let’s skip working out and just sit with a bag of fast food. Why why why do thoughts of more crappy food and doing nothing enter my head when I’m unhappy with where eating crappy food and doing nothing has gotten me in the first place?!

This is so overwhelming when I think of how far I have to go. I have to fight SO HARD against the mental vulturing in my head to get over these kinds of hurdles and keep going. It’s so unfair.

Ugh!!!

Although a weight-loss challenge at work has spurned me into action, my weight and health is a long-suffering subject for me. I’ve started and then abandoned this journey so many times that I’m scared I don’t have what it takes to succeed. There. I said it.

 My hope is that these tools (the food journal, exercise tracker, blog) allow me to chronicle my struggles and bring them into the light. Notice I didn’t have the guts to do this on one of the more public forums I have access to- I think I need the semi-anonymity of a site such as this to be as brutally honest as I need to be. I’m also embarrassed to be inviting people into this EXTREMELY private issue.

Five years ago, I lost 50 pounds and my life changed dramatically. I got a master’s degree, moved to another state, met and then left a bad man- basically lived a much fuller life without the stone collar of Weight around my neck. My secret, however, was that I felt like a fraud. I thought about food all the time. What I shouldn’t eat. How much I wasn’t exercising. How I spouted off about a lifestyle change, when really, I felt like I’d finally reached a place where basic science would no longer apply and I could eat as much shit as I wanted and workout once-to-no times a week and still be a skinny size-12. Ah, size 12…

 So now, I’m only 6 pounds away from where I was five years ago. SIX POUNDS!!! I remember gaining five and, quite literally, having an anxiety attack. I see now that back then I knew I hadn’t committed fully and it was only a matter of time.

So here we go again. I’m trying South Beach because of its promise to control sugar cravings. Seriously, it’s bad- Cokes and Snickers and Heath bars- oh my! I hope to meet others who understand what this is and we can vent/support each other. Even if I’m talking to no one, it’s already been pretty damn cathartic to put this all in print.

 j